The Goldenchild & the Scapegoat Defined
Continuing with part 2 of the Narcissistic Family Structure we now focus on the individual roles of each member. This section covers the Goldenchild and the Scapegoat two of the most recognized roles in the Narcissistic Family structure.
Shockingly both children are victims of abuse the obvious one being the scapegoat but the hidden victim is the golden child. I know you are probably thinking really, being spoiled and pampered is abuse. Yes, it is especially when it stops you from maturing into a full fledged adult. Most Golden children live out their adult lives in failure and never achieving the success they were fooled into believing that they can achieve. Discovering later on in life that they are not as special as the Narcissist Parent/grandparent told them they were. Unable to generate authentic empathy for others and lacking integrity they wander aimlessly through relationships and career. Not understanding why the formula that they were trained and raised in does not work with other people. Many Golden children have difficulty maintaining relationships unless they have complete control and dominate their partner.
According to the Narcissistic Parent/grandparent the Golden child is the most wonderful person in the world. The reason why they believe this is because they have chosen the golden child to be an extension of themselves that they vicariously live through. Because they see the Golden child as an extension of themselves they equate this belief that the Goldenchild can do no wrong.
The Golden child has specific characteristics and special treatment that display over time:
Since the Narcissistic parent/grandparent lives through the Golden child achievements they delight in their empathy-free conquests of others praising their mini-me creation for the monster that they have become. The Narcissistic parent/grandparent will share the story of their Golden child's conquest with great admiration to others. This behaviour is justified in both Narcissistic Parent/Grandparent and Golden child's mind regardless of whom they hurt or offend, and they both will sleep well at night knowing they achieved their goals.
The Golden child gets their praise from the Narcissistic parent/grandparent after fulfilling their programming (showing proof with certificates, awards, ceremonies) allowing the Narcissist to take credit for the achievement.
Traits Of The Golden-child
The Scapegoat is exactly what it sounds like, the person that takes the blame for anything or everything bad. If something breaks it's the Scapegoats fault, in a bad mood it must be something the Scapegoat said or did.
The Scapegoat becomes the sacrificial lamb of the Narcissistic family who bears the burden of everything wrong in order to make others look good. The Narcissistic family depends heavily on the Scapegoat in order to hide their wrong doings or devious behaviour. Pointing their finger or demonizing the Scapegoat allows the family members to absolve themselves from personal sins; while blaming their problems on the Scapegoat.
In addition, ill treatment of the Scapegoat can and will gain you brownie points with the Narcissistic Parent/grandparent
Part 3 - Explores the roles of Mascot/Clown, Invisible/Lost Child and Parental roles
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The Roles Of The Narcissistic Family Members & How they Operate
In this 3 part series, we are going to start with the Narcissistic Grandparents traits, tactics and ploys. Being Part of a narcissistic family is truly a devastating life altering experience. Many family members suffer from low self-esteem, depression, and have difficulties in life.
Narcissistic parents have an unrelenting desire to control their adult children's lives by interfering and manipulating circumstances. The older the child becomes the more control the parent's demand. When children reach adulthood the unstable obsession to monitor, control and direct their lives is insatiable for the parent. Narcissistic parents become extremely hostile, vindictive, and rancorous with age.
As they graduate to grandparents they begin to mould/groom their grandchildren to serve their future purpose. You see grandchildren are the perfect weapon to use in gaining control over an adult child's life. Now they have new tools to inflict abuse on their targeted adult children to make sure they always stay in control.
This allows them access to a narcissistic supply through their grandchildren. The Grandchild performs the Narcissistic Grandparents wishes by tormenting the parent, usually, after direct abuse is no longer allowed, their target (adult child) has gone no contact.
After years of training, Narcissistic Grandparents stop at no ends to make sure their target knows that they can still destroy their life unless they relent and fall back into childhood roles.
Grandparents / Parents
fThe Narcissistic grandparent and parent have similar characteristics with a few additional displayed in grandparents. The Narcissistic Grandparent has a tendency to use the grandchildren as tools to assist in tormenting, attacking and getting additional narcissistic supply from their adult children.
The relationship between grandparent and grandchild takes on a puppet/puppeteer dynamic. The grandparent engages or encourages the grandchild through love bombing, unbalanced praise, ego stroking usually directed towards the grandchild during an insecure stage (teenage years or young adult) when they feel awkward or lacks confidence.
Narcissistic Grandparents slowly infect the grandchild's mind while ego stroking, building them up to a false status of moral, intellectual and psychological superiority over parents. While planting seeds of discord, strife and disagreement in an iconoclastic manner with the goal being to attack the adult parent.
This tool crafted by using their grandchild's fragile psyche, this allows the grandchild to feel they are superior in every way to the parent and know how to execute better life choices.
Through selected attacks including phone calls, texts, surprise visits where the Grandparent instructs and guides the grandchild on how to attack and harm the adult parent. Through discriminating name calling, tactics, ploys, psychological games that were used to berate, abuse and demean the adult child when they were minors; an attack is launched.
The grandparent feeds and seeks to fulfil narcissistic supply by using the grandchild as a bong (slang for drug paraphernalia) to get emotionally and psychologically high through this sick mind game.
This is an additional way for the Narcissistic Parent to abuse their adult child and achieve indirect satisfaction. Sometimes this is the only way to feed because they have been cut off due to their adult child going no contact; due to extensive emotional/ mental abuse.
Narcissistic Grandparent Tactics
Grandchildren of narcissistic grandparents have been groomed for years to rebel against their parents. They are victims of emotional and mental abuse by their own grandparents who use psychological techniques to create a divide and conquer. Narcissistic Grandparents create a silent abusive cell within their adult child's family that can be activated in case no contact environments where abuse is no longer tolerated.
Stages of Grooming by Narcissitic Grandparents toward Grandchildren
Stage 1 -Size up grandchild's vulnerabilities
Stage 2- Gain Trust -The Seduction
Stage 3 - Fill The Need
Stage 4 - Isolate the child
Stage 5- The Abuse (Emotional Incest)
Stage 6 - Maintaining Control Of Grandchild
Next - Part 2 : Narcissistic Family Structure - Goldenchild & Scapegoat Characteristics
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Signs of Spiritual Abuse Being Used On A Child
The parent feels that they know what's right and wrong and have conveyed what the children should believe. Any child that does not agree with these beliefs is going against God period. The reasoning behind this ideology is ego based because they believe God has chosen the church leader head of them and thus appointed them as head of the family. Independent thinking is seen as disobedience, contrary views are seen as insubordination, all spiritual and religious views that don't align up with parents dogma are considered to be out right rebellion.
This sets the ground for other forms of abuse; physical, mental and emotional. In order to not suffer from the abuse the parent now must control your thoughts in regards to God and the child must comply with all regulations. The consequences for non-compliance are labelled sinner, rebel against God and even worse evil in nature. The abuse now becomes more targeted with the focus on emotional and mental torture tactics.
In my case, because I openly voiced my sedition to the church's philosophy ( I believe I was around the age of 10 when things didn't look, seem or feel right after trying their form of religion for one year. It was at that point where targeted abuse began to curb my views. Bible scriptures of malevolent, depraved people were compared to me as each mistake I made according to my family was broadcasted in and out of the home.
If I was physically sick I was told God was punishing me, therefore, I deserved no help, at times the food was denied and clothing destroyed or hang me downs taken back. At one point in my life I had no clothes that didn't have holes or bleach marks on them so I would wear my sibling's clothing to appear well groomed ( which I was severely disciplined for and called a thief). I was always doing something wrong, I was always being sinful and I was never forgiven no matter how I prayed.
My life consisted of walking on eggshells and I was the only one to blame because I was so sinful, I was told. My parents would state that I made them treat me this way because I was such a horrible person (with biblical references and scripture to defend their actions).
My father wasn't a Christian, he moved in and out of the house depending on his needs, always had more than one girlfriend, lived off women and didn't belong to the church but he had his own form of fake life he was living. He really didn't want to be a dad or husband; anytime we called or were forced to see him he would treat us like dirt. His desire was that my mother would get the hint and not send us back to him. He reinforced everything my mother said in regards to the church (that he called a cult) mainly because he didn't care. We never established a connection, there was never a father daughter bond. I have no connection to my mother or father's lineage, siblings, cousins or aunts our lives (and have no idea how to contact ) At one time I was given an email address of my cousin and thought I was communicating with her but it was another one of their cruel jokes.Our lives consisted of the church and its regulations, We never talked to family outside of our home, ever.
Certain children were trained (the golden child) in narcissistic tactics that excuse all bad/sinful behaviour with biblical scripture. They were taught how to extort money, target people's insecurities and gain what they wanted through narcissistic techniques like, smear campaigns, triangulation, gaslighting and love bombing strategically used to position themselves in power positions to dominate others.
Those who refuse to incorporate narcissistic techniques through spiritual abuse, manipulation of truths, lies and intimidation are considered weak. My father had an Ahab ( Jezebel's husband was Ahab) personality so he supported anything that allowed him to not be personally involved. His only contribution was name calling with constant put downs his favourite names he called us were clown, stupid and fool but he loved calling me slut. He was a tool used to put us in check when we rebelled against church teachings. In the beginning, he insulted us so we wouldn't call back. Later on, when my mother realized the power of using him as a tool of discipline he would always call to insult us after an argument with my mother. His verbal attacks were extremely aggressive after disagreements or questioned related to dogma and church. He would magically call and tell us how stupid, dumb, clownish and that we would amount to nothing in life.
I was raised and trained to endure the abuse, it was all I knew. One day after he insulted me in front of a friend and then began attacking her verbally, I stood there in shock as she told him off. Later on, she questioned me about the incident and home life and told me not to tolerate that abuse from anyone. I was so used to it I just assumed all fathers spoke to their children like that.
Isolation was another unique tool that was used in spiritual abuse. We were not allowed any communication with extended family. Our family didn't call and wish aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents during holidays or any other occasions. When I would ask for info regarding relatives I was always told: "that is my family, not yours". Nobody ever tried to contact us from my knowledge so I assumed they couldn't care less.
To the public, we gave off a persona of a Christian family with the one outcast child (me) who was obviously evil or demon possessed. At church, my mother smiled laughed and acted as if God was the ultimate cure and at home, she turned into a character similar to the mother in the movie Carrie.
This was my life I had no idea it wasn't normal, I had no idea that I wasn't a bad person, I had no idea that God didn't hate me. Because everything I experienced, heard, felt and seen had verbally told me and showed me God hated me.
I was surrounded by a group of narcissistic spiritually abusive people who used religion as a tool of control. The people of the church (majority) acted the same way with cliques, spiritual abuse that was directed dished out from the head of the church all the way down. I was taught the rest of the world was evil, my abuse was actually discipline and worse could happen to me outside the church.
So when teachers would pull me aside and ask me what was going on at home or expressed concern I would blame myself or claim nothing is wrong. I believed that the narcissists in my life were Christians and God was punishing me. I was a child and didn't know any better plus in the 80's just to claim Christianity made you a saint automatically.
I kept my secrets and never told of being molested, beat, starved, emotionally abuse, clothing destroyed, physically neglected, because I believed God was punishing me. This is what spiritual abuse feels like in a church setting and family environment.
Later on in life, the biggest mistake I made was not going no contact earlier. When I had children I still believed that God hated me with no redemption in sight. I allowed my children to see me verbally and emotionally abused by the hands of my family leading from the matriarchal figure and second in command. I watched as my mother taught my children to disrespect me, being described as dumb and foolish right in front of my face.
I never spoke up or fought back because I was so desperate for love and affection I was willing to tolerate anything. The conditioning of all the years of psychological abuse had affected me so deeply I was frozen. My mother now used my own children as tools of abuse to attack me and verbally assault me. A situation that I allowed to take place due to my inaction to study biblical scriptures for myself and realize that she was manipulating the bible for her own purpose.
Unfortunately, this situation lasted for years until I came across a ministry program called Enjoying Everyday Life with Joyce Meyers.
I established a real relationship with God, learned to study the Bible and understand its principles. I am continually building up my self-esteem (regardless of endless attacks by my mother using one of my children to inflict verbally abuse). I no longer tolerate abusive treatment, chronic gossipers, outright lies or bullying from anyone especially family members. If you don't want to treat me with humanity, dignity and respect than you will not be allowed the privilege of being in my life.
I enjoy my life and part of the reason is that I did the work, rebuilt myself, I developed my own interests, forgave the past and work towards my future goals daily. Today I live a truly blessed life.
This blog Confession Of A Former Scapegoat is to help people understand narcissistic abuse, assist people struggling with the effects in addition to providing tips for recovery.
Next - Narcissistic Family Structure & How IT Works
Most Narcissist project a fake persona in order to convince parishioners that they are moral upstanding people. The best way narcissists achieve deception is through religion. They usually connect or align themselves with people that possess virtuous qualities in order to deceive others. The ultimate Wolf in Sheep's clothing is a narcissist going to church on Sunday morning.
More people are becoming aware of Christian Narcissists but have little information on how to spot these wolf in sheep's clothing. Watch out for these traits when seeking spiritual guidance and developing your faith.
Spiritual Narcissists Often:
Spiritual Narcissist uses religion to cover their true intentions. They use spiritually, Christianity, scriptures, bible verses in order to build themselves up; and then from their pedestal attack. This assists their agenda to bring others down while they convert the gospel to pursue their own interest.
From my experience with Spiritual Narcissists, they are all about the misrepresentation of being perceived as holy and filled with goodness. Spiritual narcissists are all about deception. When they are on the verge of being exposed they quickly adapt to a full on attack that consists of gossip, slander, triangulation; and when all else fails the ultimate pity trap. This (pity party) is when they attempt or try to make others feel sorry for them while they play the victim and vilify the target.
Growing up with a spiritually narcissistic parents takes on a more severe level of abuse because they corner the market on God. Even when you submit to their religious views, humble or wait on their direction you are always wrong. Memories of being constantly berated and demeaned with biblical scripture, attacked on the way you pray, dress and speak affect your self-esteem. Continually told through biblical quotes and scriptures that you are unworthy and unloved by God unless you follow specific instructions. There is no amount of forgiveness you can ask for or prayer you can engage in unless it lines up with their teachings, their thoughts, their perceptions. Spiritually narcissists tenets are aligned with their self-esteem. You become an extension of their personal religious persona which includes the way you dress, talk, walk, wear your hair, sing, smile, achievements, diplomas, awards, and who you associate with is taken personally. Your identity as their child belongs to them (they identify or claim your achievements and disown your setbacks or failures as sin associated).
Now take into account the base of this church or organization being spiritually abusive and cult like. In order to survive as a child in this environment, you must fully accept the cults philosophies. Disagreeing with the church openly, questioning their doctrine or blatantly speaking out against their interpretation of biblical meanings can affect the spiritual narcissist reputation. You are looked at as a problem child, gossiped about as the evil child and treated as the devil.
In the church dynamic if you have positioned yourself as a yes person with ambitious goals to acquire a leadership position ( watch video: 10 Ways to Spot Spiritual Abuse ). A child that doesn't support this dogma can become a threat to the way you are perceived.
This is how a scapegoat is chosen because targets see through the bull, identify the culprits and challenge narcissists on their doctrine. But most importantly scapegoats have the ability to expose your secrets. As the scapegoat, your knowledge and your truth stand in the way of something spiritual narcissists want.
Remember the most important thing to a spiritual narcissist is an image, how they are perceived. God forbid anyone sees them in their true state, and natural character. If you become a threat to a spiritual narcissist's image in their mind the only alternative is destroying your image, life, relationships...
Please join me for
Part 3 Confessions Of A Former Scapegoat
Confessions Of A Former Scapegoat
Hello and welcome to my new blog Confessions of a former scapegoat. My name is Nefertiti and I have a mission to help people improve their lives, get healthy, escape abuse and its effects. As a woman who grew up in a Christian Narcissistic family structure and embodied the role of the scapegoat my one sure method of inducing healing within my own life is to help others. You can't feel sorry for yourself when contributing to another human's well being.
For months I pondered how to start this blog not wanting to share my story or the things that I have experienced but after prayer and much meditation, I realize it's time.
Just before I began writing this blog and begun laying out the structure and future entries, I pulled away from the project and decided to scratch it. I received another abusive call ( I get several per year after going non-contact from my abuser) from one of my Matriarchal Narcissistic abusers Flying Monkeys. This family member of close relation someone I was close to and loved dearly has now become their tool to inflict pain, sow discord and stir up strife in my life since I refuse to accept abuse directly from them anymore( Narcissist Tactics ). I retreated to my silence with my secrets ( I fell into one of the four f's fight, flight, freeze, fawn) and shortly after that became deathly sick.
For 3 weeks I was bedridden and unable to perform daily activities. Even adding to the website and updating my social media posts became emotionally and physically straining.
I contemplated the effects of this blog and how it would damage the Narcissistic abuser's fake reputation which would definitely result in another attack. Out of fear I choose to abandon the mission by claiming I choose to walk in peace; which is a total cop out.
Then while in bed one day I came across a verse and quote that rocked my world. I began to study it and realized that by keeping silent for all these years, I have contributed to my own physical health problems, self-esteem issues and became a walking target for people who possess Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My secrets were making me sick.
The quote that woke me up was from Gandhi:
I pondered on it for a day because it was the one thing that I agreed with if only Christianity has some integrity. But that was an unfair assumption to brand a whole religion as not having integrity. The truth of the matter is the form of Christianity that I grew up in and was introduced to had no integrity, or honor, but was full of narcissistic manipulation and control. I then decided to do some investigating and look into people who distort and use religion to benefit and control others. Some manipulators include
Narcissist that now have become household names.
If you don't know about Jezebel she was a religious Queen married to the King of Isreal who fabricated evidence against an innocent man which led to his execution in order to take his family owned land ( vineyard) and give it to her husband. She Persecuted people who did not agree or associate with her false prophets and religious beliefs even having them killed.
She was married to the king of Israel named Ahab whom the bible described as an extremely wicked person. The reasons why he was considered wicked had to do with his personality and character flaws. This opened my eyes and changed my mind into writing this blog. By adhering and allowing the abuse in my life by the Christian Narcissistic head of my family I was welcoming the character traits of Ahab in my life. By not confronting but permitting and remaining silent with my secrets that could help someone overcome this form of abuse I was helping all abusers. Eventually, I would have developed all These Traits if I didn't wake up. (These were just the ones that stuck out for me).
Part of the reason I accepted this behavior was due to the type and religious environment that I grew up in which was spiritually abusive. My mother joined the Pentecostal religion when I was very young and adopted the church's dogma to every aspect of her life. This dogma now became our standard of living and we were forced to follow it so that our souls could be saved. I know it sounds messed up but it gets worse. This doctrine I believe had an unsound spiritual foundation and exhibited several symptoms of spiritual abuse in how the parishioners were treated and operations were conducted. My mother believed with many others in the church that the pastor was the last prophet of God and our church was the only one getting it right. We were living in the end times and soon God was coming to take her away and I would stay on earth and suffer due to the fact I questioned the whole church thing. She always told when I was little that one day I would come home and God would have taken her away and I would be alone. This scared me and made me terrified of God.
There were many rules and regulations to be adhered too. These included what clothing we wore, how we kept our hair, what music we listened to, who we associated with etc.
Here is a small list of the requirements specifically made on the women of the church but most applied to all.
This video is a great explainer of how the church I grew up in operated.
(ignore the image press Play to watch)
YThe religious church was the primary foundation for our family's narcissistic structure. This set the background and environment for persons with this personality disorder to thrive. As in the story of Jezebel and Ahab in the bible, Narcissists are found in religious environments more often due to the fact it's easier to manipulate people. The 10 Ways To Spot Spiritual Abuse tactics can now be found in areas of Multi- Marketing cults, Political cults, Personality Cults, New Age cults, Terrorist cults and much more.
Please join me in the continuation of Narcissist Recovery - Secrets of a former Scapegoat. In part 2 titled Your Secrets Will Make You Sick, I go into detail of how Narcissists hide behind religion; the key ingredient that allowed me to tolerate abusive treatment. I outline the characteristics of a Christian narcissist, their mind games, tactics, and techniques. Keep in mind these tactics are the foundation and basic modus operandi of many modern cults today. My goal is to expose every aspect and detail so you can detect it, know what it feels like, take steps to avoid people like this and learn how to recover from narcissistic abuse.
See you in part 2
Holistic Wellness Expert with certifications in Master Herbalist, Life Purpose Coaching, NLP Practitioner, Reiki Master and Teacher Level 3 with additional studies in Feng Shui, Acupressure, Chakra & Energy Healing. Also a survivor and educator in the field of Narcissist Recovery.